Why I Didn't Report

This blog is supposed to be about art and my journey with learning how to draw and paint. Occasionally, I'll cross over into the rest of my life, but not often. When I do, I try to stay away from the heavy or negative stuff of life, although it was really, really important to acknowledge Ella's death in September.

That makes this post way out of character for this blog.

If you just want to share my art journey with me (and that's fine), I would suggest you stop reading this post and go to the next one.

Before I was over the most intense part of grieving for Ella, what was happening in politics and our culture hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent several weeks walking around in a fog. One week after Christine Blasey Ford's brave appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, I made a conscious decision to start being open about a painful part of my history.

I was sexually assaulted as a pre-teenager, by one of my brother's friends, and as a teenager, by my mother's second husband.

It's been scary, awkward, messy and uncomfortable to openly reveal this after so many years. While some people knew bits and pieces and several people knew most of it, it's mostly been a secret I've carried around.

I started to tell people by sending an email to my closest friends, followed by an email to my family, and another one to my husband's family.  I've received a great deal of love and support back from people. As important and helpful as that has been, something even more important happened. Once I started to share this with people, I was surprised at how much relief I felt from putting down the burden of carrying about this secret. In this crazy, messy world, I have been feeling lighter and freer.

However, that feeling has not carried over to my blog. Since I have not been capable of or able to write a blog post in more than 3 weeks, I think it's time to be open here as well. I am tired of hiding.

No Rules

I didn’t use grids. I didn’t do an under-drawing. I didn’t care about accuracy. I didn’t crop the picture. I didn’t worry about color. I didn’t have a plan.

I looked at a picture, hopped all over the place, and made big, bold strokes with a huge brush. This isn't abstract. I don't know what it is. I am calling it practicing with no rules, since it felt good to just do and leave rules behind.

I might try a cabin sunset like this.

#262 - Catharsis - 8” x 10” - paper

By the way, I used this brush. I also acquired the 2 inch version. While I wish the handle was not flat, I thought the bristles might work well. So far, I like that I can pick up a lot of paint with these brush and can apply with a reasonable level of control. I wish that the handle was round and that it didn't leave strokes which are quite so smooth.

Goodbye My Friend

Since my first large painting was of Dorian, I've been wanting to do a large painting of my other gray cat. I started it last week and finished it on Wednesday. I don't believe in forces at work other than coincidence, since Ella's health situation has been fragile these last two years and she has slowly been declining.

On Wednesday, she was eating and was social. Thursday morning, she stopped eating and she started to withdraw later in the day. We brought her to the vet this morning to see to see if there was anything else we could do. There was not and it became time to let her go.

Goodbye sweet Ella Phant. I do not have the words to express my sadness.

#261 Ella Phant - 18" x 24" - hardboard 

Hello There!

Earlier this week, I started a small painting and a large painting. The small one is my September painting for Art 4 Shelter. I had one false start. On my second start, I liked it better before I got a little fussy with the bird.

Looking at it later, I decided that the darkest darks on the bird needed to be darker.

#260 - Hummingbird At Feeder 5 x 7 - paper

I also started working on a large cat painting. From the beginning, I have fought with this painting. Lighting, paint colors, paint strokes - - you name it. About 15% in, I was tempted to sand it, gesso it, and start over, but decided it would be better to keep working and finish it. I’ve been working on it here and there in small pockets of time. Finally on Thursday morning, I got into a flow with it and it just felt good to enter that space in my head. Right after that, I left for a long weekend out of town with a friend, so I don’t be back to finish it until next week. 

One other thing, I signed up for a set of painting classes with Carl Oldvedt at Wet Paint. They start in mid-October. 

Another Busy Work Week

This week, I mostly played around with making brush strokes, so I did not paint with an intended purpose. It was good to just practice making marks.

Last night, I tried to do my September Art 4 Shelter painting and it did not go well. It's already been discarded. So I could end the night on a good note, I did a little planning for another big cat painting. This morning, after a good night's sleep, I drew out another Art 4 Shelter painting, so I guess I plan to work on a small work (5" x 7") and a large work (18" x 24") this week.

I did quick value sketches of both. I'm not sure that I am really massing values and value shapes, but I did think this is helping me think more "big picture" rather than focusing on the details.

Paint Strokes

While I made a promise to myself that I would not go crazy with either critiquing or culling my monthly Art 4 Shelter submissions, the memory of the paint strokes in this one kept bugging me. I decided to revisit it before painting my September submission. I painted it without looking at the first version until I was done.

#259 - Cabin Dock at Sunset - 5" x 7" - paper

I like this version much better and will submit this one.

The lesson in this is that the direction of paint strokes matters. While values and the value shapes are important, so is how you "build' the value shapes through paint strokes. This is a hard lesson for me, since I don't have an intuitive sense of this and need to learn from trial and error. That's why I wanted to redo this one. 

Favorite Picture From The Minnesota State Fair

This is my favorite picture from going to the Minnesota State Fair, this evening. Have I mentioned that I love the camera I bought in November?